Jaded or Joyful?

Photo by Terrah Holly on Unsplash 

I woke up this morning feeling jaded, worn, without being able to feel any real hope or wonder in this new day. All of a sudden I realized how different the 'adult me' is, from the child that I used to be. 

Sure, I had my own share of trials and tribulations to face, growing up. But like most other kids, I also had an advantage. Whatever the trauma of the day before, as a child, I was able to wake up to a new day, every day. Every morning presented to me, an opportunity to find wonder and happiness, to learn something new and if I was lucky, the chance to give and get a little love. Every night, sleep found me waiting eagerly to be transported into a land of rest and dreams. I can't recollect a single morning in my childhood when I remained in bed, curled up in a foetal position because I was afraid to face the day or a single night, when I tossed and turned, desperately trying to blank my mind out so I could get to sleep.

When I think of my childhood, I think of sunny summer days with orange, white and pink bougainvillea curling around the trellises of a balcony, of the scent of the eucalyptus trees in my aunt's garden, of the big, white, silky mushroom caps that I would pick after the rain to paint on, of trying to catch tadpoles in the rain gutters after a storm...so many beautiful memories. When did all that change to a grey swirly muck of fear, hurt and negativity? 

Today as an adult, when I sit down with a friend, I rarely talk about how happy I am or how much I'm looking forward to everything that life has to offer me. Instead, I dwell on my failures, on the people who have let me down, on the relationships that have been toxic, on my disappointments and fears. It's not just me though. Almost every adult I meet, doesn't seem to have much to be happy about, either.

One of my favourite childhood memories is when I woke up one summer morning and decided I wanted to go on a picnic. Unfortunately for me, the adults were all occupied with their grown-up schedules and couldn't accommodate my childish aspirations for the day. None of my friends in the neighbourhood were available either. So I thought about it and decided I would go by myself. I raided my aunt's pantry for sugar and utensils and then braved the thorns on her lime tree to pick a few limes, swiped one of her large bath towels and then packed the lot in a little wicker basket (that was once part of a flower girl ensemble I think). Then I set off happily to a spot under a mesquite tree ('Vaelikaathaan' to us Tamils or Prosopis juliflora to the rest of the world) just 500m from my aunt's house. There, I spread my towel, sat down, unpacked my hamper and made myself a few glasses of sour-sweet lemonade. Once I'd relished them, I decided the picnic was over and packed everything up and came home again. You could not have found a more contented child that night.

I wonder now, where that child is today? Where is that little person who made her own dreams come true? Where is that person who could be lost for hours in the wonder of a twinkling star or the rainbow colours glinting off a dragonfly's wings? Where is the little girl who could pick up a Eucalyptus cone and imagine it was a pixie cap? How did I get to be this jaded, tired and worn person today?

In retrospect, I see that life and other people have had a large part to play in this 'de-childing' process. Yes, I've received enough blows under the belt to become untrusting of people. Yes, I've been disappointed enough times to know that life mostly doesn't go my way. Yes, I've failed enough times to stop trying to succeed.

And yet, I remember having similar problems as a child too. Friends and adults who let me down badly. Bad days when I didn't have a friend in the world. Sad times when people and animals that I loved, passed away. I vividly remember the fear of facing a teacher with uncompleted homework. or the shame at losing a school election or a sporting event. But how come none of these things ever left me permanently scarred or unable to move on? Probably because my attitude as a child was vastly different from my attitude, today.

Being a child means being resilient, elastic, more willing to be flexible and to forgive, being less inhibited and more honest, having more courage to experiment and fail, finding it easier to bounce back from a setback. But somewhere along the road to growing up, we shed this resilience. We find it easier to stay curled up in bed than to face a brand new day. It's easier to compromise on our values than to stand up for the right thing. It's easier to depend on other people for our happiness than to find it ourselves. It's easier to believe in a mean, mean world than in the bright hope of a new morning.

Perhaps for you it is a jaded belief in a God who doesn't answer your prayers or a church system where the leaders are more wolves than shepherds. Perhaps it is disillusionment in a corrupt government or selfish political leadership. Perhaps it comes from having to deal with an unfair boss or less than ideal working conditions. Perhaps it stems from a disappointing spouse or hurtful in-laws. Perhaps it comes from broken relationships and betrayed friendships. Perhaps it is about struggling with your finances or a difficult illness. Perhaps it is even all of this together.

Still, it is good to remember something that you probably instinctively knew as a child: that there is one thing that remains unchanging and constant, whatever the vagaries of life may be - God. As Hebrews 13:8 says, "Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday and today and forever."

Growing a few feet taller, holding a job, having family responsibilities - none of this changes the truth that God remains the same person that He was, when you were a little tyke. You may not have vocally expressed your faith in God back then, but your heart knew that because God was in His heaven, grey clouds would inevitably give way to blue skies and eventually, everything would be right with the world. There was therefore no need to go about grieving endlessly for lost toys or broken friendships. The sun would set and rise again and with it would come a new opportunity for happiness. Every child knew that and every adult would do well to learn that lesson again.

They say we are the sum of our experiences. But oh, we are so much more than that. The human spirit is capable of so much love, so much hope, so much joy. It is this potential that God saw in us when He shaped us from dust and breathed life into us (Genesis 2:7). It is this capacity to overcome and to be filled with hope and joy regardless of circumstance that caused Him to consider us the crown and climax of His creation (Genesis 1:26-27), creating us just a little lower than the angels (Hebrews 2:6-8) and then raising us to the status of co-heirs with His Son through the gift of salvation (Hebrews 1:13-14). 

And yet today, sadly, it is Satan that we thrill with our sorry lives. 

Shocked? Don't think that's true of you? But it is. It's true of every one of us. That Accuser who is ever ready to point out our failings and errors, that Roaring Lion that keeps circling us to catch us in the act, that Father of Lies who whispers in our ears about what sad, pathetic creatures we are, it is his philosophy that we embody! We are ever open to entertaining the feelings of fear, helplessness, envy, malice and that mother of all problems - depression -  that he lets wash over us like a waterfall from hell. He enjoys crippling us with reminders of past experiences and failures. He lives to rob our eyes of their wonder, and our spirit of its joy. And we, forgetting the awesome potential God put in us, give up, lie down and let him.

If this is you, then me reiterate, you are not alone. I too am prone to losing hope, to joyless living, to a darkening of my faith. But this morning as I ponder upon my childhood, I realize I'm still the same person from my childhood. I can get my joy, my faith and a generous loving heart, back! I can wake up every day irregardless of the circumstances or the people around me, and be happy. And all I need to do to get there, is to adopt an attitude of gratitude.

Let every dawn be an opportunity to thank God for something new. Let every sunset bring songs of praise to your lips. Let every problem be a reason to chat with God and every tear a chance to curl up in His arms. Life may throw a million things at your head, but whether you duck or not is completely up to you. God is still there at your side, waiting to be leaned on, just as He was when you were young. All you really need to do, is reach out with the arms of faith. And if Satan leans over to whisper in your ear, laugh and threaten to sic God onto his lazy backside! I guarantee the whispers will stop and you will awaken to a new and childlike day.

Choose joy, my friend. Always.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Suffer the little children to come unto me...

Unlike most women, I've never been very comfortable around little children, Sure, I think they're cute when they're cooing and gurgling, waving their chubby arms around or trying to stand up and falling back down on their nappy-clad little backsides. But I'm the first one to back away when someone attempts to hands me a baby (what if I don't hold them right and their heads fall off or something!) and I definitely prefer to be far, far away when the little tyke is in a cantankerous mood. I just didn't think I had the patience or the wisdom to deal with a child. So you can imagine how much I would have dreaded being left alone with one.

Recently though, I was. A friend brought his tot along to visit my parents and by a process of elimination, it fell to me to entertain the little one. Truth be told, I was very nervous. What could I possibly say to this two-year old bundle of energy, looking up at me with so much expectation, that would keep her engaged for two hours? Turned out, I didn't need to say much. She managed most of the conversation herself. Opening up a bundle of toys she'd brought along, she transported me along with her into a world of imagination and wonder. For the next two hours, we proceeded to cut up plastic fruits and vegetables to make a plastic dinner, vanquished imaginary mosquitoes by cutting off their imaginary noses, poked fun and laughed at my very perplexed dog who clearly didn't get the joke and for a few moments even sat together in just companionable silence, saying nothing much at all. Her vibrant energy, her bubbly happiness, her simple expectations...they all took me by surprise. And at the end of her visit, I was very sorry indeed to see her being hauled off home.

Looking back at the experience, I've discovered that I enjoy talking to and spending time with children, way more than I do with adults. Save my husband and my parents, I rarely reveal all the chinks in my armour to any one else, not even those I consider close friends. The reason? People are complicated. 

You trust some one with your vulnerabilities and at some point, they will exploit it. You give of your time, love, effort or money to some one else and at some point they will turn their backs on you in ingratitude. You admire someone's ideals, integrity and moral character and at some point they will fall off their pedestal and let you down badly. No, I'm not being pessimistic. This is just how people behave, for the simple reason that we are human and we are flawed.

Honestly, adults make me weary with all the manipulations and mind games. The pressure of having to constantly put up mental and emotional shields to keep from getting hurt or used, is literally exhausting. Children are different though. In their innocence and wonder, they are a little slice of Eden before the fall. You can tell them your silliest fears and they won't laugh at you. You can speak of your deepest ambitions and they'll agree you have something going there. They take the focus off of life's problems and dwell instead on its magic. They don't look back with regret at the past or with worry towards the future. They focus on the present, the possibilities of today, the joy of now. They don't wear masks, they don't pretend they like you if they don't. They don't discriminate if you are rich or poor or fat or thin or put you down because you have opinions they don't agree with. All they want is your time, interest and attention. And I think I can deal with that.

It's only after my encounter with my young friend that I understand why Jesus prized the company of little children so much, that He was willing to entertain them even after a long day's work. After constantly side-stepping verbal traps laid by the authorities, dealing with being criticized and targeted on a daily basis and counseling and healing unending lines of people who sought Him out all the time, having the selfless attention of a little child who wanted nothing but the pleasure of His company, must have been so refreshing. He loved their artless natures and their way of dispensing unblemished affection so freely and without bias. He loved that He could be Himself with them. And I think, He loved that in them, He could see the lost innocence of Eden.

Today if you are looking to please God, to ensure your eternity will be spent in His presence, hear Jesus when He says: "The kingdom of God belongs to those who are like children and anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child, will NEVER enter it" (Luke 18:16-17). 

Leave behind your ego, your manipulations and schemes, your pride, fears, doubts, selfishness, greed, anger, bias and materialistic preoccupations. Instead, live like a child, full of the joy of life, opening your eyes to the gifts you have received from the Father and seeking nothing more than to share them with a friend. And then truly, not only the Kingdom of God, but a life of contentment and peace, will be yours too.

Matthew 18:1-4 - "At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." 

Update: Just realized I've written a similar post based on my own experiences as a child. Read it here.