Jaded or Joyful?

Photo by Terrah Holly on Unsplash 

I woke up this morning feeling jaded, worn, without being able to feel any real hope or wonder in this new day. All of a sudden I realized how different the 'adult me' is, from the child that I used to be. 

Sure, I had my own share of trials and tribulations to face, growing up. But like most other kids, I also had an advantage. Whatever the trauma of the day before, as a child, I was able to wake up to a new day, every day. Every morning presented to me, an opportunity to find wonder and happiness, to learn something new and if I was lucky, the chance to give and get a little love. Every night, sleep found me waiting eagerly to be transported into a land of rest and dreams. I can't recollect a single morning in my childhood when I remained in bed, curled up in a foetal position because I was afraid to face the day or a single night, when I tossed and turned, desperately trying to blank my mind out so I could get to sleep.

When I think of my childhood, I think of sunny summer days with orange, white and pink bougainvillea curling around the trellises of a balcony, of the scent of the eucalyptus trees in my aunt's garden, of the big, white, silky mushroom caps that I would pick after the rain to paint on, of trying to catch tadpoles in the rain gutters after a storm...so many beautiful memories. When did all that change to a grey swirly muck of fear, hurt and negativity? 

Today as an adult, when I sit down with a friend, I rarely talk about how happy I am or how much I'm looking forward to everything that life has to offer me. Instead, I dwell on my failures, on the people who have let me down, on the relationships that have been toxic, on my disappointments and fears. It's not just me though. Almost every adult I meet, doesn't seem to have much to be happy about, either.

One of my favourite childhood memories is when I woke up one summer morning and decided I wanted to go on a picnic. Unfortunately for me, the adults were all occupied with their grown-up schedules and couldn't accommodate my childish aspirations for the day. None of my friends in the neighbourhood were available either. So I thought about it and decided I would go by myself. I raided my aunt's pantry for sugar and utensils and then braved the thorns on her lime tree to pick a few limes, swiped one of her large bath towels and then packed the lot in a little wicker basket (that was once part of a flower girl ensemble I think). Then I set off happily to a spot under a mesquite tree ('Vaelikaathaan' to us Tamils or Prosopis juliflora to the rest of the world) just 500m from my aunt's house. There, I spread my towel, sat down, unpacked my hamper and made myself a few glasses of sour-sweet lemonade. Once I'd relished them, I decided the picnic was over and packed everything up and came home again. You could not have found a more contented child that night.

I wonder now, where that child is today? Where is that little person who made her own dreams come true? Where is that person who could be lost for hours in the wonder of a twinkling star or the rainbow colours glinting off a dragonfly's wings? Where is the little girl who could pick up a Eucalyptus cone and imagine it was a pixie cap? How did I get to be this jaded, tired and worn person today?

In retrospect, I see that life and other people have had a large part to play in this 'de-childing' process. Yes, I've received enough blows under the belt to become untrusting of people. Yes, I've been disappointed enough times to know that life mostly doesn't go my way. Yes, I've failed enough times to stop trying to succeed.

And yet, I remember having similar problems as a child too. Friends and adults who let me down badly. Bad days when I didn't have a friend in the world. Sad times when people and animals that I loved, passed away. I vividly remember the fear of facing a teacher with uncompleted homework. or the shame at losing a school election or a sporting event. But how come none of these things ever left me permanently scarred or unable to move on? Probably because my attitude as a child was vastly different from my attitude, today.

Being a child means being resilient, elastic, more willing to be flexible and to forgive, being less inhibited and more honest, having more courage to experiment and fail, finding it easier to bounce back from a setback. But somewhere along the road to growing up, we shed this resilience. We find it easier to stay curled up in bed than to face a brand new day. It's easier to compromise on our values than to stand up for the right thing. It's easier to depend on other people for our happiness than to find it ourselves. It's easier to believe in a mean, mean world than in the bright hope of a new morning.

Perhaps for you it is a jaded belief in a God who doesn't answer your prayers or a church system where the leaders are more wolves than shepherds. Perhaps it is disillusionment in a corrupt government or selfish political leadership. Perhaps it comes from having to deal with an unfair boss or less than ideal working conditions. Perhaps it stems from a disappointing spouse or hurtful in-laws. Perhaps it comes from broken relationships and betrayed friendships. Perhaps it is about struggling with your finances or a difficult illness. Perhaps it is even all of this together.

Still, it is good to remember something that you probably instinctively knew as a child: that there is one thing that remains unchanging and constant, whatever the vagaries of life may be - God. As Hebrews 13:8 says, "Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday and today and forever."

Growing a few feet taller, holding a job, having family responsibilities - none of this changes the truth that God remains the same person that He was, when you were a little tyke. You may not have vocally expressed your faith in God back then, but your heart knew that because God was in His heaven, grey clouds would inevitably give way to blue skies and eventually, everything would be right with the world. There was therefore no need to go about grieving endlessly for lost toys or broken friendships. The sun would set and rise again and with it would come a new opportunity for happiness. Every child knew that and every adult would do well to learn that lesson again.

They say we are the sum of our experiences. But oh, we are so much more than that. The human spirit is capable of so much love, so much hope, so much joy. It is this potential that God saw in us when He shaped us from dust and breathed life into us (Genesis 2:7). It is this capacity to overcome and to be filled with hope and joy regardless of circumstance that caused Him to consider us the crown and climax of His creation (Genesis 1:26-27), creating us just a little lower than the angels (Hebrews 2:6-8) and then raising us to the status of co-heirs with His Son through the gift of salvation (Hebrews 1:13-14). 

And yet today, sadly, it is Satan that we thrill with our sorry lives. 

Shocked? Don't think that's true of you? But it is. It's true of every one of us. That Accuser who is ever ready to point out our failings and errors, that Roaring Lion that keeps circling us to catch us in the act, that Father of Lies who whispers in our ears about what sad, pathetic creatures we are, it is his philosophy that we embody! We are ever open to entertaining the feelings of fear, helplessness, envy, malice and that mother of all problems - depression -  that he lets wash over us like a waterfall from hell. He enjoys crippling us with reminders of past experiences and failures. He lives to rob our eyes of their wonder, and our spirit of its joy. And we, forgetting the awesome potential God put in us, give up, lie down and let him.

If this is you, then me reiterate, you are not alone. I too am prone to losing hope, to joyless living, to a darkening of my faith. But this morning as I ponder upon my childhood, I realize I'm still the same person from my childhood. I can get my joy, my faith and a generous loving heart, back! I can wake up every day irregardless of the circumstances or the people around me, and be happy. And all I need to do to get there, is to adopt an attitude of gratitude.

Let every dawn be an opportunity to thank God for something new. Let every sunset bring songs of praise to your lips. Let every problem be a reason to chat with God and every tear a chance to curl up in His arms. Life may throw a million things at your head, but whether you duck or not is completely up to you. God is still there at your side, waiting to be leaned on, just as He was when you were young. All you really need to do, is reach out with the arms of faith. And if Satan leans over to whisper in your ear, laugh and threaten to sic God onto his lazy backside! I guarantee the whispers will stop and you will awaken to a new and childlike day.

Choose joy, my friend. Always.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Suffer the little children to come unto me...

Unlike most women, I've never been very comfortable around little children, Sure, I think they're cute when they're cooing and gurgling, waving their chubby arms around or trying to stand up and falling back down on their nappy-clad little backsides. But I'm the first one to back away when someone attempts to hands me a baby (what if I don't hold them right and their heads fall off or something!) and I definitely prefer to be far, far away when the little tyke is in a cantankerous mood. I just didn't think I had the patience or the wisdom to deal with a child. So you can imagine how much I would have dreaded being left alone with one.

Recently though, I was. A friend brought his tot along to visit my parents and by a process of elimination, it fell to me to entertain the little one. Truth be told, I was very nervous. What could I possibly say to this two-year old bundle of energy, looking up at me with so much expectation, that would keep her engaged for two hours? Turned out, I didn't need to say much. She managed most of the conversation herself. Opening up a bundle of toys she'd brought along, she transported me along with her into a world of imagination and wonder. For the next two hours, we proceeded to cut up plastic fruits and vegetables to make a plastic dinner, vanquished imaginary mosquitoes by cutting off their imaginary noses, poked fun and laughed at my very perplexed dog who clearly didn't get the joke and for a few moments even sat together in just companionable silence, saying nothing much at all. Her vibrant energy, her bubbly happiness, her simple expectations...they all took me by surprise. And at the end of her visit, I was very sorry indeed to see her being hauled off home.

Looking back at the experience, I've discovered that I enjoy talking to and spending time with children, way more than I do with adults. Save my husband and my parents, I rarely reveal all the chinks in my armour to any one else, not even those I consider close friends. The reason? People are complicated. 

You trust some one with your vulnerabilities and at some point, they will exploit it. You give of your time, love, effort or money to some one else and at some point they will turn their backs on you in ingratitude. You admire someone's ideals, integrity and moral character and at some point they will fall off their pedestal and let you down badly. No, I'm not being pessimistic. This is just how people behave, for the simple reason that we are human and we are flawed.

Honestly, adults make me weary with all the manipulations and mind games. The pressure of having to constantly put up mental and emotional shields to keep from getting hurt or used, is literally exhausting. Children are different though. In their innocence and wonder, they are a little slice of Eden before the fall. You can tell them your silliest fears and they won't laugh at you. You can speak of your deepest ambitions and they'll agree you have something going there. They take the focus off of life's problems and dwell instead on its magic. They don't look back with regret at the past or with worry towards the future. They focus on the present, the possibilities of today, the joy of now. They don't wear masks, they don't pretend they like you if they don't. They don't discriminate if you are rich or poor or fat or thin or put you down because you have opinions they don't agree with. All they want is your time, interest and attention. And I think I can deal with that.

It's only after my encounter with my young friend that I understand why Jesus prized the company of little children so much, that He was willing to entertain them even after a long day's work. After constantly side-stepping verbal traps laid by the authorities, dealing with being criticized and targeted on a daily basis and counseling and healing unending lines of people who sought Him out all the time, having the selfless attention of a little child who wanted nothing but the pleasure of His company, must have been so refreshing. He loved their artless natures and their way of dispensing unblemished affection so freely and without bias. He loved that He could be Himself with them. And I think, He loved that in them, He could see the lost innocence of Eden.

Today if you are looking to please God, to ensure your eternity will be spent in His presence, hear Jesus when He says: "The kingdom of God belongs to those who are like children and anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child, will NEVER enter it" (Luke 18:16-17). 

Leave behind your ego, your manipulations and schemes, your pride, fears, doubts, selfishness, greed, anger, bias and materialistic preoccupations. Instead, live like a child, full of the joy of life, opening your eyes to the gifts you have received from the Father and seeking nothing more than to share them with a friend. And then truly, not only the Kingdom of God, but a life of contentment and peace, will be yours too.

Matthew 18:1-4 - "At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." 

Update: Just realized I've written a similar post based on my own experiences as a child. Read it here.

So Not Fair!

Some 8 odd years ago, I remember watching my youth leader back then, counsel one of the youngest members of the fellowship, who was almost at the point of breaking down. His gripe - "There's no justice in the world. It's so not fair!" "Yeah, yeah kid, we all know that. Get with it and grow up!", I remember thinking, as I settled down close by, trying to pick up counselling tips. I was next in line to don the mantle of youth leader and I sincerely hoped I could keep from making an ass of myself when my turn came to play 'Big Sister' to troubled young adults. I got my wish alright. I did become 'Big Sister' and counselled a horde of  young people on a plethora of issues over the years. But this particular problem never came up again. So I swept it to the 'no-sense-remembering-this-stuff-cos-I'll-never-hear-of-it-again' corner of my mind and went my merry way.

Until one fine day that is, when I woke to find myself (at the ripe old age of 33), plonked in the middle of the complainant's box, with that same gripe - "There's no justice in the world. It's so not fair!"  For a moment I was completely bewildered. I mean it was a tad too late for teenage angst wasn't it? By now oughtn't I have been wise to the ways of the world and learnt to take things in my stride? Didn't seem to be happening though.  Apparently, anger and indignation born of unjust treatment, don't care how old or wise you are. They froth and foam and boil over anyway. 

We Christians are a peculiar breed of people. We are brought up believing in God, love, faith, justice, resurrection, eternal life and a few other things, that the world would classify as 'fairy tales' today. Growing up, like any other Sunday school kid, it was drilled into me that there are two sides to God's character much like a two-sided coin : Love and Justice. He loved me crazily, but His inherently just-as-strong sense of justice, wouldn't let me get away with my sin either. If I deserved to die for my sins, then die I must, insisted His 'just' side. His 'loving' side however couldn't bear the very thought. So He solved the problem by dying in my place and satisfying His just side, while simultaneously fully expressing His loving side. Moral of the story (and that of many others from the Bible): Justice will prevail, even when bound by Love. So beautiful.

Just one problem though. I don't seem to be able to reconcile this with my life situation today. What if you did everything right and still got the short end of the stick? What if you obeyed God and got punished for it? What if you refused to stray from the narrow path and suffered for it? What if you fought against blatant injustice and were totally and completely crushed? Bit of a problem no? No! It's a HUGE problem!

My innermost self rebelled violently against accepting the reality of my situation. Surely the world had got it all wrong. It was sin that attracted death as its wages (Romans 6:23) right? No one said anything about shame and defeat being the rewards of righteousness! It surely couldn't happen! Why not? Because the Bible says so. However I soon realised that whichever way I approached this problem, I kept banging into that same deadend - "because the Bible says so."

Slowly a nasty question crept into my troubled mind....Was the Bible lying then? Impossible! The Bible is the divinely inspired Word of God ain't it? And God couldn't lie, could He? Then how could this happen? Is it possible there is no God at all and I've been a gullible fool? What if there was no God, no moral code, no judgement, no hell and no heaven? Have I been wasting my time all along, stubbornly trying to stick to the straight and narrow while everyone else was living it up? What did I really believe??? Quick and fast the questions flew into my mind like arrows from the quiver of the Devil himself. And as I mulled them over, they grew progressively worse, eroding away my faith like so much sand under the onslaught of a tidal wave.

Just as I was about to be washed away into a never-ending sea of doubt and heartache, the Lord threw in a life preserver and got a-hold of me. A pastor friend I greatly respect, chose to read from Psalm 27 at a family function on that same day. A Psalm of King David that moans and laments the injustice of the world and the many unjust enemies who threaten to rise and crush him. That got my attention. Here was David : a man, a king and someone who live in the BC era. Not one of these attributes had anything whatsoever in common with me, except for his troubles. He had expressed in beautiful song, what my heart sorely felt, but could find no words for. I was amazed. Even centuries ago, human problems had been the same. Injustice had always been around. What then, was the hope for the Christian? Did believing in the Lord Jesus make anything different at all?

Verse 13 of this same chapter answered my questions. After a long line of laments, David concludes:
I remain confident of this: 
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

What faith! My doubting heart hung its head in shame! Here was a king whose very life his enemies were lusting after; a man whose righteous ways had lent him the title 'a man after God's own heart', but did nothing to win his enemies over; a servant of God whose very life depended on whether or not the God of his fathers was for real. His situation was similar, but surely way, waaaaay worse than mine. And he still says he is confident of seeing the Lord's goodness while he still lived!

Food for thought? A 'full meals' for thought actually. King David and I are separated by a timeline that is thousands of man-years apart. And yet to God, it is but an evening gone (Psalm 90:4). Surely our eternal God who is the same, yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) isn't going to wrap things up and decide to change His basic nature over the space of just one divine evening! Then why wouldn't He do for me, whatever it was He did for King David to epress such unrelenting faith and trust in the Lord? 

When this finally hit my numbskull mind, my heart reeled at the magnitude of the truth. Irrespective of my life situation, God's character isn't about to change. He is neither a liar nor non-existant. In fact, He is the exact opposite. My God is real, my faith is justified and my beliefs are eternal truth. Just because injustice has won one lousy battle in my life, doesn't mean it will win the war too. That honour and title will always belong to the Lord alone! 

A Christian's only real ordeal in this world, is to keep the faith, even when the head and heart see no reason to. In the end the Lord WILL prevail. The trick is to believe in that just long enough. And if I'm caught doubting when He finally wins that battle (and He will...look at history....He ALWAYS has), I'll look a right fool won't I? Evil will always get its come-uppance and righteousness (or atleast our pathetic attempts at it), will always be recognised and rewarded by the King of Kings. If not in this world, then doubly so in the world to come.

I'm reminded at this point of Queen Susan's horn from C.S.Lewis' children's masterpiece - The Chronicles of Narnia. The instruction is that if the horn is used at the time of greatest need, help WILL come. My personal horn has been God's word and the many godly people my life overflows so wonderfully with. In the hour of my greatest need, help has indeed come. Now I can afford to be strong too and wait on the Lord!


Deuteronomy 10:17 - "For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, shows no partiality and accepts no bribes."

P.S. I'd like to acknowledge my debt of gratitude to Damayanti Chandrasekhar and Rathy Sam whom the Lord used through their own gifts of writing, to inspire me into expressing these torrential emotions after so many years of writer's block. Much love, blessings and thank you's ladies! :)

Lip Service

I love God. Very much. Atleast that is what I have been telling people for as long as I can remember. Amazing then how my life song doesn't sing the same lyrics.

Amazing how I say I believe the Word with all my heart....and then wake up everyday, anxious and afraid for the future, unmindful of the 365 "Fear Not"s in the Bible.

Amazing how I can write a blog post on how fearfully and wonderfully made I am.....and yet carry a truckload of insecurities on my back.

Amazing how I say God is my highest priority and that nothing but nothing can come before Him....and yet find it hard to keep my cellphone aside when I should be in His presence, worshipping Him alone.

Amazing how I can pray "Lord, let your will be done"....and yet keep my foot in a door that He is trying to close.

Amazing how I know every hymn and Gospel chorus about the cleansing, healing power of the Lamb's blood....and yet find it next to impossible to curb my temper and lashing tongue.

Amazing how I have been a knowledgeable Scriptural quiz mistress for ages....and yet cannot bring to mind an appropriate verse to comfort, strengthen and encourage myself when I need it.

Amazing how I teach my Youth Fellowship to depend on nothing but the Word of God....and yet prefer to play Farmville rather than set apart time for Bible reading and devotions everyday.

Amazing how I shout out that Job 13:15 is my life's motto....and yet crib and complain of unfair treatment from the Lord everyday.

Amazing how I describe my life's ambition as to become Christ-like....and yet not even those closest to me can see a trace of His holiness and love in my character.

Amazing how I preach Galatians 2:20 so vociferously....and yet fight ferociously to keep my pride and feed my ego.

Amazing how I project myself as a person of the highest levels of integrity....and yet cannot honestly acknowledge my faults even to myself.

Amazing how I claim to love Him with all my heart....and yet (as I can now see), do not.

Diagnosis: I've gotta be the world's greatest hypocrite and one that has hidden it amazingly well, even from myself! The good news is, the scales have dropped from my eyes.

So what now? Am I going to keep up appearances and continue fooling myself, my friends and my social circle? Am I going to keep churning out beautiful writing that so artfully hides my spiritual imperfections from the world? Am I going to stay blind to the powerlessness of Christ's resurrection power in my pathetically hypocritical life? Am I going to keep insulting my omniscient God with meaningless and fraudulent lip service?

I don't think so. I think it's time. Time to be hard on myself. Time to face up to the half-heartedness of my beliefs. Time to acknowledge and repent for the skin-deep faith I have exhibited. Time to take life by the horns and stand up solidly and relentlessly for everything I have professed to believe in thus far.

Reader, if you've been here, done this, then you know what the plan of action is too. I emphatically suggest you don't waste any more precious time lamenting that God hasn't blessed your holy living. Do yourself a favour and take a long, hard look at your heart-attitude.

Beautiful words that express your faith and a vague good intention to live up to those words in the distant future, do not worship make. Instead, get down and dirty and let your life do all the speaking in place of your lips. In other words, just walk the talk. dude. For only then will you see God's faithfulness shine in your life, like the Pole star on a dark and stormy night. God bless!

Matthew 7:3-5 - "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

What's Wrong with Our World?

A brilliant young speaker was our preacher this Sunday. To a dazed and startled congregation, he skillfully narrated the tale of the legendary Reverend Jim Jones who was charismatic enough to lead his own cultic church and convince thousands to leave their jobs and daily lives and follow him and live in a small, secluded hermit community around him. A man who was dynamic enough and psychotic enough to persuade almost a thousand unfortunate devotees to commit mass suicide through cyanide poisoning. A deranged monster of a man. And what was it that attracted so many to him? The fact that in an unfeeling, uncaring world, he and his cult seemed to care for them. "What's wrong with the world?" our speaker boomed from the pulpit. And it prompted me to think. What IS wrong with us?

I think we as a race, have evolved to such a level that we no longer know what is important to us. There is today a painful scarcity of that rarest of all commodities - Love. When was the last time you said "I love you" to someone? Think about it. Spouses, parents, friends, sweethearts....all of us....we hesitate to say "I love you". Why? And even when we do so, what do we really mean? Do we mean, "I love you because it is convenient, painless and necessary for me", or do we mean, "I love you in spite of everything because I can't help it"?

In a world that teaches us to grab, wear blinkers, climb over fallen comrades and fight our way to the top, where is the space for Love? It's a 'dog-eat-dog' world and it's every man for himself. Parents push children to over-achieve when they should be allowing them space to blossom on their own; children focus on their own dreams and force their parents to fade into the background. Husbands don't think they need to tell their wives everyday that they appreciate them; Wives breed resentment because they believe they are being taken advantage of. Even friends use each other and move on when they are done. Really, where is the Love?

Since childhood, I have done my best to avoid movies like 'The Passion of the Christ' because I could never reconcile myself to the fact that God sent His only Son to die so painfully a criminal's death, for my ruddy sake! It just seems so amazingly unfair to me. With every painful, dragging step as He carries the cross to Golgotha, with every crack of the thorny whip on His shattered and furrowed back and with every blow of the hammer on His bloodied, nailed wrists, I wince and tremble and ineveitably end up blubbering into my neighbour's sleeve. I did that at 7 and at 30, I continue to do it. However, there is one big reason why I keep watching these movies.....for just one scene that will always remain before my eyes - the courtyard scene with Peter and Jesus.

Jesus has been dragged to the High Priest's courtyard and flogged within an inch of His life through the customary 39 lashes. Peter is lurking in the background trying to sneak a look or maybe garner some information on what awaits His Lord. By the light of the bonfire there, a woman recognises Peter. He waves her away hoping no one has heard her. To his great dismay though, soon many more identify him. "Weren't you with the Nazarene?" they ask. "Weren't you part of his entourage too?" "We know you, we saw you with him...", they badger Peter. Trapped and cornered, he chooses the smartest way out. Thrice he utters the same lie - "No, no, leave me alone. I tell you I do not know the man!" At the 3rd utterance, the cock crows (as Jesus once predicted it would) loud and clear. Shaken by his betrayal, Peter looks up, only to gaze directly into the eyes of an exhausted Jesus who meets his look from across the courtyard. Unable to bear that look, Peter flees the place.

I have often wondered what it was that Peter saw in Jesus' eyes that night. What was it that caused him so much grief and shame and later toughened him up so much as to become the rock on which the church was built and even unto a martyr's death? Was it disappointment? Couldn't be. Jesus knew this was coming. Bitterness? Sorrow? Pain? Tears? After much deliberation, I can only conclude that to effect such a reaction from Peter, the expression in Jesus' eyes, could have been only one thing - Love.

To be betrayed by all you knew and healed and fed and cared about, to be deserted by your closest friends, to be at death's door with no one who loves you enough by your side, to lie there bleeding and friendless and dying.....and to still be able to convey with just one look all your heart's passion for someone...now THAT is Love. Where is that Love in our world today?

Admit it. All of us are starved for love and affection in some way or the other. The old beggar at the beach deserted by his family, the young software techie making a lonely living faraway from home, the silent suburban housewife wishing her husband would come home early, the little orphan child hoping someone would adopt her, the widowed woman with kids wondering if someone will ever love her again, the aging single man desperate for just one woman to love him as he is......face it...we all need Love.

God's love is of course available to all of us. But there is one conditional clause. God's love can reach people only via media other people. If you like me are wondering today what's wrong with the world, then stand up and do your part. Go home and love your family. Go out and show someone you care. Little by little, one person at a time, we can heal the world.

Afraid you'll get hurt if you do love somebody genuinely and with all you've got? Honestly speaking, you probably will. You can't love someone without emotionally investing yourself in them. But then again, think of Jesus, (the Son of God who ought to have been sitting by His Father's side, reigning in royal majesty), rolling around in His own blood, torn and battered because of you, and still saying, "I love you so much". Maybe that will help.

A Blessed Easter to you friend.....

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. " - 1 John 4:9-12

2009, Thy Name is Change!

"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." - Proverbs 23:7

I've always been a self-confessed pessimist. Never shy about admitting it, I've occasionally been known to even crow it proudly from the rooftops! Flabbergasted? Hang on. I had a good reason to so blatantly endorse a negative thought pattern. Atleast I thought I did. I thought it was smart to be a pessimist. That way, if something nice happens to you, it's a pleasant surprise and if something terrible happens, well you knew it was coming anyways!!

Being the smart person that your are, you must have noticed by now dear Reader, that the previous paragraph is mostly in the past tense. Since mid-January '09, I have made a 180-degree about-turn on what I once presumed was an infallible philosophy. In my usual scatter-brained way, I shall now assume that the minutest details of how my weird brain works is of exquisite importance to all the world and shall proceed to enlighten you on why I have so drastically changed a policy that I had imagined so long, was working for me. If you're yawning already, please feel free to skip to the last paragraph. But if you're the stubborn kind, stay with me Reader, for I'm gonna take you on a ride that might change your life. It certainly changed mine.

I didn't choose to be a pessimist. I don't think I even spent a minute thinking about it as I was growing up (Ever seen a pessimistic child?). As is usual, Life happened to me and after having received a substantial number of kicks under the belt, I naturally chose to be wary of what's coming around the corner. Except that as is normal for me, I was extreme about it. I was the young woman who wouldn't take a risk at anything. I would throw away raffle tickets long before the draw date, build mountains outta termite heaps, moan over things that I imagined would happen sometime or the other and pretty much spent my youth shadow-fencing with life. I wouldn't even try bowling with my friends 'cos I was absolutely sure it would be a gutter ball and everyone would laugh at me! The same went for snooker, entering the best B-school possible, growing in my chosen field of work and even in finding my prince.

I was always the one that hung behind, peering suspiciously, pussy-footing and finally nodding vigorous No's at the myriad opportunities that literally thrust themselves in front of my nose in so many life spheres. My attitude puzzled a lot of people who thought I had all it took and more, to face life's challenges and come out tops. Some even believed I was unfairly equipped as compared to other people. Frankly, their attitudes puzzled me too. I couldn't for the life of me, see what was so great about being me, especially with a magnificent list of past failures to my credit.

By the time I was 30, I was a hardened pessimist who believed that life had a roaring lemon business going, considering the number of lemons it handed out to so many unprepared mortals everyday. I vowed I would never be one of them, and went about it by screwing up my face and bracing myself every time I came to a moment of truth. Truth is though, however hard I braced myself, I still found myself reeling anyways when the expected blow finally came.

Looking back now, I think it mostly came because I was expecting it to! This over-cautious attitude of my past has truly done nothing for me. Sure, it sapped me of positive life energy, allowed me to turn the other way while the chances of a lifetime danced past me, completely lowered my self-esteem and significantly contributed to a string of failures in life arenas where I should by all right never have failed at all. Apart from these ignominious achievements, my negativity has done zip for me.

Mid-January this year, I went through a personal crisis that threatened to swallow up my sanity and envelope me in the mother of all depressions I've ever been swamped in so far. Consequently, an innate sense of survival kicked in and I was forced to re-examine my attitudes and the way they've affected my life. I could remember most of my close friends telling me atleast once that I was negative about something even before I embarked on it or had a chance to explore it. Directed by an intuition that I can only call the 'still, small voice of God', and strengthened by the counselling of His Holy Spirit, I chose to reinvent my attitude towards life.

Prompted by my father who to this day regrets his negativity in most things and encouraged by a colleague who is the very soul of optimism, I took to reading 'The Power of Positive Living' by the Late Rev. Norman Vincent Peale. In a matter of days, armed with Biblical references and true-to-life testimonies, the good Rev.Peale's argument for positive thinking and renewed faith turned my life upside down and showed me I'd had it all wrong all along. I had earlier cultivated to an art, the ability to take the most positive of situations and turn them around so that I was a depressed, whimpering pathetic heap of humanity at the drop of a hat. I found to my great delight that I could use that same ability now, to turn myself into a live-wire engine of upbeat positivity and intense faith within that same time frame. It was only a question of what I wanted to do with those few odd seconds. No wonder then that I found myself healthier, eating better, sleeping better and feeling lighter and happier than I can remember in years. And all this, while I am still immersed in my personal crisis.

Positive thinking didn't change my life. It changed me to face life. I have learnt to recognise that life will always have rainy days and fearsome shadows and dark valleys, but I don't have to dwell on them. Instead, I can choose to lift up my soul in the memory of sunny days gone by and the hope of heaven on earth to come. For a confirmed veteran pessimist such as I, this hasn't been easy. I have had to give myself a complete inner makeover, throwing out old ideas and fears and clinging instead with all I've got, to Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

Positive thinking demands an unwavering faith in God. I have reasoned that if it true that the Lord of the Old and New Testaments performed miracles then, and if it is also true that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8), then it also follows that our changeless God is capable of those same miracles even today. In Mark 6:4-6, Jesus is amazed at the lack of faith in His hometown and finds Himself unable to perform many miracles there, save a few scattered instances of healing here and there. I think the message is obvious. Many a time, it is our spectacular lack of faith that blocks what God is yearning to do in our lives.

I am done with losing out on the abundant life that Jesus promised. These days, I subscribe to Rabindranath Tagore's view that, "Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is yet dark". This so closely mirrors Hebrews 11:1 -" Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." And when I say 'faith' here, I mean a complete confidence in the character of God regardless, of past disappointments or future fears or the circumstances we find ourselves surrounded by. It means jumping off the cliff of doubt without a safety net and completely believing God's gonna meet you half-way there. True faith is like the true love of 1Corinthians 13. It always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And of course, true faith never fails either.

Faith is not a virtue one acquires and is done with for life. I have learnt the hard way that instead, it is an everyday struggle, where it is quite acceptable to stumble, pick ourselves up and keep going. The key to unlocking a life filled with pure joy and faith then, is to be able to let go of all that we hold onto in our insecurity....every worldly thing that we think will break our mad tumble into failure , despair and anonymity, and simply cling on with the unquestioning faith of a child, in a God whom we trust, will always give us the best (Matthew 7:7-11).

My faith journey has just started and I have a long way to go. But I am encouraged to know that God is with me on this every step of the way. After all, He did say, "I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of self-discipline" (2 Timothy 1:7). And I 'm also privy to the knowledge that when I delight in Him, He gives me the desires of my heart ( Psalm 37:4). Even if He won't, I am willing to believe it is for the best because my God is good ALL the time , not just when He's keeping me happy. With the dawning of these realisations, has come the enabling to action the command in Romans 12:2 - "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is — His good, pleasing and perfect will." And consequently, I know without a doubt, that one day, I will sing in the Psalmist's words, "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry" (Psalm 40:1), praise God!

My challenge to you today is this: Will you step out in faith today, thrust away everything that whispers in your ear that nothing good can happen to you, put your hope in Him (and Him alone) and believe that He will never suffer those who wait on Him to be shamed (Psalm 25:3a)? It's a New Year people.....Chew on it.....

"........Lord I believe; help thou mine unbelief" - Mark 9:24
(For more on what the Word of God says about faith, please click here)

Beauty and the Beast....Within!

I was in Delhi last week and literally staggered with the culture shock that hit me like a hard slap in the face. This part of India didn't look anything like India! I was instead forcefully reminded of Hollywood....not the movie industry, but the people. I've never been to Hollywood myself, but I've read more than enough to know that this was the city of beautiful people. Where everyone does their best to look their best, however many nips and tucks and enhancements it takes. In Hollywood, it's just not acceptable to be old, fat, ugly or simply ordinary. People would rather die than appear unpresentable or just their plain old selves. Delhi seems to have taken a leaf out of Hollywood's book, aping the West page for page. Modesty replaced by Vanity. Spirituality ousted by Fashion.

It was the women especially that highlighted this new face of India. Everywhere I saw hemlines that rose and necklines that dipped in jaw-dropping ways! I was ready to lose it though when I spied one young lady who couldn't have been more than fourteen, and whose brassiere top peeped over a plunging neckline! Luckily for her, I'm not old enough to be her mother or she'd have been over my knee in no time getting the spanking of her life!

If I were to put it nicely, I would say the ladies there were all so well groomed, paying particular attention to their skin, hair, faces, figures, clothes and makeup and so perfectly accessorised with matching handbags, shoes and jewellery. But I'm not really all that nice am I? So putting it in my usual caustic way, I'd simply say they all looked like identical plasticky Barbie dolls to me! Is that a snigger I hear? Ahhh...you think I'm jealous? Well I spoke to some of the men there and wasn't surprised to hear almost similar comments from all of them..."Oh Delhi women are all just show...so concerned about style and fashion...so shallow and pretentious". Now tell me again why I would be jealous?

Atleast the magazines there seem to have understood their target audience perfectly. I grabbed a local edition of a well-known women's magazine there and was introduced to pages and pages of ads on cosmetics, slimming pills, spas, designer clothing, columns for anorexic/bulimic women, newly developed pheromone perfumes (believe it!), advice on how to look better than Aishwarya Rai etc. But the funniest section was that which showcased letters from female readers with beauty worries.

These 'poor women' longed for 'chiselled features' in the place of cute chubby faces. Some worried that they weren't born with the all-essential dimple and (dig this!) there were even some who were desperate to augment their rears or perish! Poor poor things...how can you expect a woman to go on living with the misery of an eyebrow hair that's a millimetre longer than the rest? Really, that's so important isn't it in a world that's only going to hell because of poverty, war, violence and sickness? Hey don't get me wrong. It's good for a woman to take an interest in her body and keep herself well groomed. But for heaven's sake, ain't pumping in botox for poutier lips or silicon for a heavier bust size a bit too much?

1 Peter 3:3-5 says, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful." And Paul says in 1Timothy 2:9-10, "I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." I wonder what the apostles Peter and Paul would say if they ever went to Delhi or Hollywood though. They probably might never recover from the shock, hee hee!

The Word of God is clear in its teaching. The careful outlining of the lashes, the meticulous darkening of the eyes, the glossy painting of the lips, the artful colouring of the cheeks, the purposeful donning of clothes in a manner that reveals more than it covers, the attentively cultivated image of perfection....all these may cause sharp intakes of breath in the human admirer but God wouldn't even blink twice at such a conscientiously manicured face.

His idea of beauty is so far removed from ours for He looks directly into the heart. He seeks selfless hands calloused with helping others constantly, tired feet cracked with travelling miles out of the way for someone else, eyes reddened with tears for a neighbour's pain and lips worn with speaking words of comfort to those who need it. Every laugh line that came from making a saddened heart smile and every wrinkle that came from worrying for a friend's sake are precious in the Lord's sight. To Him, that is true beauty...the beauty of the soul inside the shell. Don't waste your time then on superficiality 'cos honestly, God doesn't care whether or not you permed your hair lately.

The poet Kahlil Gibran certainly knew his stuff when he said, "Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart". Proverbs 31:10-31 describes The Wife Of Noble Character and can be taken as a Biblical standard for all women, married or not. Now she, is a woman with a light in her heart....a light called God. A popular pop song goes, 'Dont'cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Dont'cha wish your girlfriend was freak like me....." Seriously, don't. Wish she was like the woman of noble character though, for "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

1 Samuel 16:7 - "But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

When Heaven is Silent....

I'm lying in bed, staring at the ceiling wondering how to deal with life. So many things seem to be going wrong. Friends are moving on with their lives, living, loving, changing, even flourishing. The world itself moves at a blurred and frantic pace all around me. But my life seems to have come to a grinding halt. Work, friends, home....none of these feel satisfying, my dreams lie unfulfilled and my need to be loved is cast aside unattended like a hungry, wailing baby. The universe as I know it, is crashing around me and I can't think of a single person to turn to for comfort. Which of my best friends would understand how it feels to be in my shoes? Which buddy, pal or mate would know the right words to take my pain away? I'm feeling drained and.......something else......I think it's hopelessness. It's raining outside and a single tear rolls down my cheek.

I suddenly remember....what about God then? Talking to Him always helps doesn't it? I feel better just at the thought. So my head bows down, my soul looks up to heaven and I cry out to Him from the depths of my heart. My prayer is simple...I know I don't need to say anymore. "Lord, can you hear my heartcry from where you are? I'm at my lowest right now....please say something, I need you so much." This said, I eagerly await a reply. His still small voice, the usual calming effect, the peace that fills my heart in the aftermath....I await these. Realisation dawns soon and I understand no comfort is forthcoming. Heaven itself is strangely silent.

I am puzzled at first, bewildered at best. How can this be? Did He speak and did I miss it? Is He delaying a reply? Should I wait longer? But as the hours roll by, I realise that the usual comfort He has always afforded me is not coming my way this time. The single tear swells to a flood and I curl myself into my pillow shaking with my personal pain. This was most unfair. Didn't God know He's my only refuge, my only hiding place? How could He desert me when I need Him the most? How can heaven's doors remain closed when a needy heart is knocking? Does God care? Does He truly love me? If yes, then why is He silent? Is He as unreliable as humans too? Is He even there for real? A thousand questions arise in my heart simultaneously, a little like startled birds taking flight.

If you're nodding and saying to yourself, "Been there, done that", then it's you I'm talking to, reader. These are the times when our faith is shaken the most.....the times that challenge our belief that He exists and that He cares.....the times when we are ashamed to discuss or admit our unbelief and doubt in a living, caring God to even close friends. How many times we have all travelled there.

What is the truth then? Does God exist? Does He care? And why is He silent when you are hurting? I'm not even discussing the first question here actually. If we choose to measure God's existence by His responses every time, then understand that He feels no compulsion to prove His existence to us. About His care....well you can hardly accuse a God who gave His only begotten Son to die on the cross for our salvation, of not caring! So why then is He silent when you are teetering on the brink of the precipices of hopelessness and frustration?

I would like to draw the answer to this maddening question from a shadowed, moonlit olive garden, 2000 years ago. The Garden of Gethsemane....where Jesus prayed the night before He was crucified. Come with me reader, let us tiptoe in on the scene. The Lord Jesus is parting from His beloved disciples. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death" He confides, "stay here, and keep watch" (Mark 14:34). They nod dutifully, but minutes after He leaves, their eyes droop and they nod off to sleep. Fine friends indeed! But let us not tarry here. Let us follow Jesus through the undergrowth, as He walks a stone's throw away from them, kneels in a shadowy recess praying His heart out. We can see His lips move, and if we move nearer, we can hear him say, "Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." (Mark 14:35)

It is obvious He is in great emotional and spiritual distress as He contemplates the terrible death that awaits Him the next day. He knows it is His destiny, the awful culmination of His Father's grand salvation plan. He struggles to accept so much pain, so much unfair punishment. His human self tries to reconcile why someone as sinless and pure as He, must be the sacrifice to redeem an ungrateful and undeserving world. Watch with me reader as the Lord of the Universe sweats blood in His anguish and grief. Perhaps His friends can comfort Him. He rises and goes to them, only to find that they sleep without a care in the world. Thrice He returns, hoping atleast one would be awake, praying with Him and for Him. Thrice, He is let down.

Deeply disappointed, He return to His alcove, knowing this time there is not one human He can rely on. Perhaps His Father would comfort Him. He prays again the same prayer while we watch with bated breath, hoping for an astonishing display of thunder and lightning and divine intervention in this drama that is fast escalating towards its horrifying end on Golgotha's hilltop. Minutes pass and we slowly realise it is not to be. The same Father who proudly and dramatically declared Jesus "His son whom He loved and with whom He was well pleased" (Matthew 3:13-17) before large crowds at Jesus' baptism in the Jordan river, is now ominously quiet. The heavens themselves are deafening in their silence.

And yet, Jesus faltered not. The next day on the cross He was to cry out that heartbreaking cry of agony, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani" ("My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" - Mark 15:33-34) . Hanging on the cross, his body rent in tremendous physical agony, Jesus watched in unparalelled spiritual agony as His beloved and holy Father, finding Him repulsive on account of all the world's sin that He now bore on His innocent shoulders, turned away from Him. And Jesus was left alone in an unforgiving world that cruicified its King. And yet, Jesus faltered not. He submitted Himself to His destiny, obedient even unto death on the cross. Not for a moment did He doubt that His Father in spite of the silence, loved Him above all things. It is no wonder then that on the third day, Jesus rose again from the dead.

When God is silent, He is not shutting Himself away from you. He is merely allowing you to seek Him in truth and depth. He waits for your response. Will you be faithful like Jesus, knowing that the sun is just behind a cloud and will reappear at any moment? Or is your faith dependant on what benefits you derive from God? We don't doubt the existence of the sun just because day turns to night. Why then would we doubt His love for us just because He elects to hold His peace as is His sovereign choice? Everyday He speaks to us in myriad wonderful ways, but sunk in our mundane lives, we barely notice. However when He fails to deliver the expected feel-good pep speech, He becomes an indifferent God? Very unreasonable, very stupid and very human.

From the lives of great patriarchs in the Bible such as Abraham, Moses, David and Elijah, we see that for a period, God allows us to struggle through on our own, plowing our way through acres of doubt, always pointing our compasses only to the cross. And though it looks like the Lord believes that sometime or the other, saints must walk alone, He's always around the corner waiting to pick us up when we fall! But even if He doesn't, we are called to simply get up and plod on in our Christian walk.

So the next time the heavens fall silent and the Lord seems faraway, remember the example of one Man whose unwavering purpose and faith in His God, changed the history of mankind forever. Remember....Gethsemane!

Psalm 22:1-5 - "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Far from my deliverance are the words of my groaning. O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; And by night, but I have no rest. Yet You are holy, O You who are enthroned upon the praises of Israel. In You our fathers trusted; They trusted and You delivered them. To You they cried out and were delivered; In You they trusted and were not disappointed.

Piano Pains....

Growing up, Sundays evenings between 4 and 6 were the times that I least looked forward to. Reason? That was when my piano master would arrive! A neat, dapper man with meticulously hand-written music, he would proceed to drill me for 2 unpleasant hours and prepare me thoroughly for the piano exams that I appeared for, every October. Much as I disliked being separated from my Sunday evening cartoons and my friends playing happily (and piano classlessly) outside, the lessons weren't really an option for me. My dad being one of the best pianists in Chennai, I was naturally expected to follow in his footsteps, whether I liked it or not. And I, liked it not....very definitely not!

Piano playing, as delightful as it seems to the casual observer, is really the fruits of a horrendous number of practice hours. And I, really wasn't the hardest of workers at things that didn't come easily to me! So I did all I could to avoid this slogging that I loathed so much. Unfortunately, no amount of hiding up trees and in cubby holes could get me out of the hated classes. I even vividly remember being retrieved once, none too gently from under the staircase where I had secreted myself in the hopes that they'd all give up looking for me and send my instructor away! No such luck. Kicking and flailing I was escorted firmly in and deposited on the high piano stool to partake of my weekly dose of Western Classical music. Sigh...

And so it was that I cleared 5 piano grades, certified by the Trinity college of Music, London. By that time, I had insisted on being taught by my dad himself. Unfortunately that turned out to be worse...unable anymore to take his impatient knocks on my head everytime I played a wrong note (which was often), I put my foot down and refused to touch the piano again much to my father's great disappointment. Once again my Sunday evenings became free and life became wonderful without having to worry about reading little black notations dancing between the staves, or trying to get both hands to cooperate at the same time!

It's been years now and I can hardly play anything except for the odd hymn or 'Fur Elise' and regret has slowly started to creep in. It raises its ugly head everytime my father praises a young person proficient at the keys, for it reminds me I am still a disappointment to his dreams of making me a concert pianist. It gets worse when on being introduced as the brilliant man's daughter, the crowd of adoring fans that surrounds my father after every performance pounces on me demanding delightedly if I played as well as my father! Those are the moments when I look at the embarassed look on my father's face and wish I could just melt into goo and disappear through the cracks in the floor.....

Realisation has dawned on me today. I know tons of people who would give their right hands to be trained by a piansit like my dad, but aren't able to 'cos he's not into training and teaching. And you won't believe the number of funny looks I get when I say I stopped because I didn't want to learn under him. I had a master of the art at my disposal, to teach and to correct and to make me greater than he is. But I availed it not simply because I wasn't willing to put my back into it and strain every sinew till I stepped out of my father's shadow and made it on my own. So many years lost, so many opportunities forfeited. I know now that the simple truth is this - I have been a lazy fool.

Looking at a spiritual parallel of this life experience, I find the commonalities amazing. Many a time we refuse to walk the narrow way, straining at the bridle the Master has laid on us, fearing it would be too difficult, too much hard work. Like stubborn donkeys, we dig in our feet and obstinately refuse to put in the effort that it takes to work hard at a relationship with God. We seek an easier, comfortable life where there's less risk, less hurt, less pain. We choose worldiness over godliness and materialism over spiritualism. We opt for sunny summer days without God rather than dark stormy nights hidden under His wings. Result? Spiritual flab, not muscle.

Toiling at the yoke Christ lays on us day and night in terms of disappointments, painful circumstances, failures and brokenness, is certainly not the path to a happy life. But it is the only road to a fruitful life. It is through endurance, perseverance and hard work that the soul becomes primed to take on the character of the Son and peel away the worldly layers revealing the divine image of God within, in which He first made us.

An easy life that has not the commitment and grit of a Christ-centred existence, results simply in a soul whose glorious origins remains unrevealed and unknown. What majesty is there in a soul that remains a lump of clay, however well it may be wrapped in silk and lace. How much more glorious to sweat and bleed for His sake and blossom instead into the wordlessly beautiful character of Christ in you!

James 1:12 says - "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. "

I'm going home to sit at the piano today. Better late than never, I've decided. It works the same way for your soul too you know.....and I'm sincerely hoping you'll take the hint!

Called to be Free!

I had complaints about the previous post. It seems I'd made people cry. "Write something funny now to make up" they sniffed, "You owe us!". I'm trying people. Honestly I am. But I just don't feel very funny, only plenty groggy! You would too if you've just written and discarded atleast 5 different drafts. Looks like my fountain of funnies has dried up. So here I am making a full confession, hoping wildly that by the end of it I would have somehow stumbled upon and made a point!

Let's see now....what's the funniest thing I can lay eyes on right now? Ha! Saved! My sweeping gaze has just set itself on today's funny inspiration - my gorgeous baby golden retriever Blossom, sleeping upside down with her legs in the air as usual, carefree and unworried (much to my mother's constant mortification - "Blossom, you shameless puppy!! What will people say?"). Blossom is 4 months old and thinks she is as light as she was, 4 months ago! If you approach her like all the other poor fools she has beguiled by her gentle golden good looks, you will quickly find yourself wrestling with a puppy monster who's fiercest ambition in life is to climb all over you and maybe try to stand on your head! So from a safe distance, she's gotta be the sweetest li'l bow-wow you ever set eyes on.

Blossy like all babies cannot be trusted to be by herself for even nano seconds. She eats everything she finds (would you believe raw vegetables!) and has appointed herself the official family shredder of anything that makes a ripping noise! So, much to her disappointment, she's always been supervised and tied up. But lately though, she's been pretending to be slightly grown up and has been on her best behaviour. So idiots that we were, we decided to give her free reign of our large garden for the very first time of her life! Blossom sat there and waved that non-stop tail looking up at us adoringly as we debated whether or not to unchain her completely for the first time ever. That 'look-at-me-I'm-so-innocent' look lasted just until the chain clasp came off. And then, she took off like a shot!

We watched amused as she rocketed around the garden hitting every tree in the way in excitement and I was very forcefully reminded of George of the Jungle! We stood watching the golden blur zipping around, jumping into piles of leaves, chasing leaves and tracking imaginery enemies through the undergrowth for a while till we got bored with her antics. Deciding to leave her to her own devices, we returned to our work inside the house while she carried on like a mad dog in the garden.

Some time later, I looked up idly to see her grinning doggy face running past me into the house. In seconds, she happily wagged at me and ran out again. I smiled at her indulgently and returned my attention to my work. But while she repeated the into-the-house-and-out-of-it game, something was niggling in the back of my head. As she had flashed past heading both ways, I was sure I'd caught a glimpse of something in her mouth.

A casual looksee yielded magnificient results. It looked like our little lady had spent the last half hour joyfully filling the house with wood and bracken and dead leaves and every other mouldy thing she could get her jaws on! And what was worse, she seemed to be compensating the garden whose treasures she was robbing, by delivering our clothes to it in return....in some weird doggy barter transaction! I was just in time to get hold of her as she trotted out confidently again with one end of what looked like my underclothing dangling from her mouth! Caught, she dropped the red-hot proof of her doggy sin and zipped into the garden only to return again with yet another piece of fungus-infected bark! But this time I was ready for her and she found herself locked out by the grille door. Check out the photo below for the comically sad expression she was trying on me to worm her way inside! We spent a long time laughing at her that day.

Blossom's canine behaviour funnily reminds me of human behaviour. We need to be supervised all the time too. Unmanned traffic signals are violated, unattended shop counters are shoplifted, unsupervised employees slack off and unwatched students cheat at tests! This is by no means newly evolved behaviour. It dates back to Adam in Eden who left to himself, managed to get us all thrown out of Paradise; Israel in the desert, devoid of Moses' leadership for mere days frenziedly worshipped a golden calf; the apostles in the garden of Gethsemene left alone for mere hours fell asleep instead of praying and David on his terrace one golden afternoon, took another man's wife 'cos he thought no one was watching!

In Christ we are made free. Free from sin and free from death. Joyful news indeed. But a word of caution reader.....that freedom comes with responsibility. Let loose from our burdens and sin, it is easy to go overboard and live life in a way that is unacceptable to God. Remember that the God who set you free also expects you to behave. Blossom's bad-bad was funny. Our abuse of God's freedom is not.

Galatians 5:13 says, "You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." So unless you wanna be counted on the same intellectual level as my puppy, some shaping up is suggested...pronto!

Waves of Mercy....

At age 18, after a late night of last minute exam preparation, I woke up to some strange activity at home. My mom who had been sleeping next to me was missing. I sat up just in time to see my normally sprightly 58-year father, looking all bent and old, being walked out of the house in his home clothes, by strangers! My mom followed with a duffel bag and then I heard a car door slam and my dad was gone. I probed mom for details but she was tight-lipped and not forthcoming at all. She busied herself instead in packing me off to college and then rushing to be with my father, wherever he was. My dad didn't come back that night either. Then slowly, little by little I pieced things together.

My father, sleeping alone in my parents' room, had suffered a massive heart attack early that morning around 2AM. He had dragged himself to my room where my mom and I were sleeping ('cos I was too sissy to sit and study alone!) and had repetitively whispered my mom's name since the crushing pain in his chest wouldn't let him cry out. Somewhere in the foggy realms of sleep, my startled mother heard his voice calling out to her and abruptly awoke to be with him. They sat together then, husband and wife, holding each other, white-faced and afraid, unwilling to disturb anybody (even me), simply praying. Since we live in the suburbs and didn't own a car then, they had to wait for 4 hours before my dad would let my mom finally disturb a doctor friend who immedately responded by bringing down his car and whisking my father away to the nearest cardiac facility.

When the truth unfolded, I (to put so many complex emotions in one word) freaked. Everything said and done, I'm daddy's little girl and the reality of what was happening was like a slap in the face. Overnight my childishness faded away like gay paint washed off a drab canvas and I grew up. I was torn between my fears of whether I would see my hospitalised father again alive, stress on performing well in my annual semster exams and a miserable, aching desire to see him somehow. But they wouldn't let me visit him....said I was the last person who should, since he loved me the most and it would excite his condition if he did. So though I kicked everything in sight in frustration and fought with everyone who visited him about the unfairness of it all, I was simply left suffering from a distance, living only for the scraps of info that relatives chose to toss my way.

It turned out he had 3 severe blocks in his arteries and needed open-heart surgery with 2 bypasses. I was completely undone. My father didn't smoke, he didn't drink and he'd been the epitome of goodness and integrity, the man I'd looked upto all my life! Whatever had he done to deserve this? My grandfather, a pastor, died at 48yrs of age (of cardiac arrest again), leaving my 16-year old dad and his family helpless. Would history repeat itself? I was terrified! I didn't want scalpels touching my dad. I was afraid he wouldn't get off the operating table alive. I worried and grieved that I wouldn't even have spoken to him one last time if that happened. I cried sleeplessly for nights together, begging God not to take my daddy away.

But God was gracious and the surgery was successful. It took more than a week before I could see my dad again and when I did, I cried bitterly. He was weak and emaciated and long surgery scars ran across his chest where the doctors had broken the sternum and ribs open to reach his heart. His fair facial skin had started darkening in patches from all the strong medication he was taking and he looked so helpless and defenceless lying there....so frail and mortal. Hardly like the brisk, strong father who had once tossed and caught me in the air and whose quick long strides I had once struggled to keep up with - 3 hops, skips and jumps to his every step! I would sit by his side as he slept and stare at him, wondering if he would ever laugh and sing and play the piano again......sometimes, if he would even awaken again.

But dad pulled through and slowly recuperated. Though even as his surgery scars healed, my psychological scars didn't. For years after that, I would wake up in the middle of the night with a sick feeling in my stomach. Hurriedly flipping on the lights, I would stare at my sleeping father willing him to be breathing normally. And it was only after I saw for myself the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest, would I go back to sleep. The nightmare of being left fatherless was ever with me.

Eight years went by peacefully. And then, 3 years ago, just when we thought he'd beaten the heriditary disease and that we'd all live happily ever after, my father's bypassed arteries clogged again. Doctors said he couldn't stand another procedure at his age. I clearly remember the cardio specialist's shattering words delivered so calmly, "There's nothing more we can do for you now Mr.Samuel. You'll just have to manage on medicines and maybe.....pray". I cried again that day.

I loved my father with all my heart and like every other son/daughter, I wanted him to live forever. Also, all my life I had dreamt of how my father would be the one to give me away to be someone's wife. But here I was - 27 years old, with marriage nowhere on my horizon and time running out on my father's clock. Well the specialist wanted us to pray didn't he? So pray we did. And I asked the Lord this: "Father, my dad's greatest desire is to see me happily married. But it is you who delay the day I meet the one you created for me. It is your responsibility then Master, to sustain and nourish my father and keep his lifeline in your hand until, and past that glad day, for I don't want to be given away by a stranger like an orphan. So help us God."

Praise God Reader.... for last week, my father celebrated his 70th birthday! This is so big a deal for me and my family. Like in the case of King Hezekiah, the Lord has been gracious and has added days to His life. And for this, I am eternally grateful.

Wedding bells are still faraway for me, but I am no longer afraid. For the last 12 years I have seen the wonderful ways in which the Lord has held our family in the centre of His grace and will. He has been in control of my father's health and has blessed us with abundant joy and loving familial ties. He has taught us through our travails to appreciate each other. and in the short time that we have left, to openly express our love for each other. He has enabled us to overcome the crippling emotional side-effects of heart disease and continue to serve him with Christ-centred hearts and renewed spirits.

And finally, He has planted and raised in me, a faith so strong that for me, no doubt remains. If and when I do walk down the aisle, it will only be on my father's arm!

"Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." (Psalm 103:205)